My time so far in Rhode Island has been good, to say the least. Its an interesting place to live, and of course I dont regret coming here, its definately an experience. I have accomplished some of the goals I wanted to while I have been here. When I came here I wasnt a vegetarian, but I decided a long time ago when I got here to become a veg again. I also joined a elementary education club here, and also I am mentoring at the elementary school on campus. I really wish I had a car because im stuck on campus all the time, and never have alone time. Never any peace and quiet. I REALLY miss that. I miss being able to go drive somewhere whenever I want to. I cant wait to have my car back in December. I cant wait to be back at IUPUI, finishing my last semester of pre-reqs for my education degree. I should have been GRADUATING COLLEGE at the end of next year, but now im a year behind. I cant wait to graduate and be out teaching in the "real world." Its going to be crazy. I also cant WAIT to be back with MATT. The love of my life, the best thing in my life, I love him so much. We have been though a heck of a lot together the past 4 years. I miss him more than anything. I cant wait to be with him again in Indy when I get home in December. I miss just having him there, my bestfriend, to talk to about anything and everything whenever I needed someone. Hes stil there for me, just 900 miles away :( I cant wait to make our relationship as strong as possible. I love you Matty! 

 In one week, my family has filled up a large trashcan full of recycables. Just think how many things a month get thrown away in your home (if you dont recycle) that could be reused/recycled. If you dont recycle, you definately should. Just a thought.
Im watching George Lopez..about to make some brownies!! Im going on vacation this weekend to Gatlinburg with my family, Ive never been so it should be fun. Leaving for RI in 5 weeks. Super pumped about that. We found out our room # and what hall we are living in. Im excited to go to NYC for my bday!!! :) 
Matthew, i love you SO MUCH, thinking about you every single day. xoxo.

Whenever I feel inspired to start writing a blog, in my head I usually decide against it once i get to the blank text box..because I either dont know how to say what I want to get out, or I just dont feel like expressing myself because after I write, lately anyway, I dont feel like I got my point across of why I blogged. But on to what I wanted to write about, I just watched The Bucket List..it was a good/funny/sad/inspirational. Overall,  a pretty good movie. Makes you think... you go day by day..living a what is normal to you life.. working...sleeping...hanging out..whatever it is that people do.. you dont really LIVE.. do we? I define living to the most as doing whatever, whenever, however ..and LOVING it. I know I dont live like that.. Im not saying I dont do whatever i want, because i usually do.. I have time to myself to do what I want.. but I dont get out and enjoy life much.. going to Rhode Island in the fall will hopefully accomplish some of my goals.. 1. to see nyc. ive ALWAYS wanted to go..and ill be so close to there theres no doubt i wont go. I just want to be free of everything and enjoy as much as I can while im young and able to do so. I dont ever want to take life for granted. Its an amazing blessing every single person should be thankful for.

 Today I watched "Into the Wild," a movie about a college grad burning all traces of himself, changing his name, and making his way to Alaska. He didnt care about money, about worries, he just wanted to live. He of course died from starvation. It was a sad, but touching movie. Why cant we all have that idea of freedom, willingness, selflessness, being carefree from everything? This life has so many worries, so much shit that keeps us from knowing a real life, knowing what LIVING really is. Everyone is so worried about making payments on bills, their jobs, such superficial things. I too am caught up in this crazy superficial life. I may never get out of it, either. I dont think I could leave my family and run off without a trace into this crazy dangerous world. But I would like to get out and enjoy life more often. Loving and living nature is the best gift and rush of life anyone can ask for. This past week I was in New Olreans, and along the way we stopped in Biloxi, Mississippi. The beach there was beautiful. It wasnt a busy part of the beach, but it was just so pretty and rejuvinating. Life is amazing, and very few see the true beauty in it. I dont think I even do. I hope one day to see what Christopher McCandless saw.

I  CANT MAKE UP MY MIND..what do i want to do with the rest of my life? I keep switching my mind, and I feel like im the only person who goes through this. I mean, Im a sophomore..almost a junior in college!! and I dont know what I want to do. Im wasting money, time, and I feel like Im lost.  First at UINDY, i was doing marketing. Then I transferred to IUPUI to do Journalism. Now Im thinking I want to do social work or elem ed. Im scared to tell my mom because she will think less of me and tell me im wasting money and time. She might not say that, but then again she might.and I know its about ME im the one who has to live with this career and I should only worry about my own opinion and what I want to do. I need to make up my mind pronto too. WHY IS this so stressful. BAHHH.

 I awoke to the sounds of Sixpence None the Richer and my mothers voice asking "Are you just now waking up? Its 1 in the afternoon!" i secretly smiled, loving lifes greatness, such as being able to sleep in all day on Sundays without a worry. Today I woke up, just feeling today was different, my head was in a different time than realitys. I gazed out my 2nd floor window onto the street, noticing a sunshine hitting hard on the bright glaring road and the trees gently swaying back and forth. I checked the weather online, seeing it was 57 wonderful degrees outside, despite the wind, it is a beautiful day. Everything about today feels right. My mom spoke of my sister and I's trip to Chicago on Saturday, which I have to say I have been impatiently awaiting for over a month. Everyone has trips to Chicago, for a concert, or just a weekend shopping trip. Chicago is so much more than that to me. Chicago is home to me. When I am walking the streets of Chicago, I feel that this town, this huge busy yet beautiful, peaceful town, is home to me. Every chance I get to go, I secretly jump with joy inside, unable to hide my smiles of joy and anticipation. I wish I could live there. The weather today not only excites me for spring and summer, the warm, sunny days, along with the cool, breezy nights, but it has also sparked excitment for me in thinking how wonderful life is. The unexpected moments in life are what make life what it is. Who knew today would be so beautiful outside? It has put me in the brightest of moods. The breezy winds blowing in my small downtown apartment gives you that rush, of excitement and love blowing across your face and through your stands of hair. Thinking of such thoughts, makes me completely ready for Christina and I's trip in the fall, travelling to either Charleston or Providence for the school year. I just want to live there, enjoy live, enjoy every thing that crosses my path while im away. I feel as if I will not want to return to Indiana when im gone, that I will want to transfer and live forever in our choice of destination. So many exciting things are coming up in the next few months, and none of them could come any faster. I am ready for change, I am ready to explore new things, to get out of Indiana, and today has shown me, or made me feel at least, that anything is possible, and anything unexpected that comes across my path, will only make life greater than I ever expected....

 So its 2am, and I feel compelled to pour out feelings on this blog, not just so someone will read how I feel, but so I can feel better that I am getting my own feelings out on the table, for myself. 
I have been dating a boy for the past 2 1/2 years of my life, sort of on and off. (not together now) The last and final time we split, it was because he found 'someone else.' I knew deep down inside it wouldnt work again, but I tried with everything I had to convince myself it would. As expected, it didnt work. I have been in and out of love with him since highschool, and its been a long, hard road for the both of us. After many times breaking up, getting back together, trying to make things work again, it will never work again. Ive never said this before, but I am finally putting an end to this chapter in my life. We had so many great memories together, some amazing times, I will always remember that first time we kissed so long ago., and the first time you told me you loved me. Those are irreplacble memories in my heart. You will always have a place in my heart. You have done me wrong in many, many ways, but I have also let you down a few times. I know I have, and im sure you have, come to the relization that were done. Honestly, you are completely too immature to be in any relationship right now, and always have been. Being your first girlfriend, I guess I should have expected that, but thats in the past now. I just want to say for myself, and for anyone who does read, that I am never getting back with someone who treats me so harshly, without thinking about my feelings. Im not ready to trash all of our pictures and memories together, and I may not ever do that, I cant trash the promise ring you gave me, because I will always remember the night you put it on my finger. I will always, have a place for you in my heart and in my life, but I will never love you again. 
Im done.


On to something else, lets talk about school. Its going pretty well, I could put more effort into my schoolwork, and im not sure why I dont. Laziness, im sure. There are so many other things id rather be doing than sitting at my desk reading over french notes. I really need to come to my senses that I need to study more. Sure im doing fine, I should get All A's and maybe a B. But I need to do better. I KNOW I can, but i dont. I am so lucky to be able to have an education to choose anything in the world I want to do, and I dont take complete advantage of that, I take it for granted. 

Another aspect of school, Phi Mu, is so great. I am so happy I got out there and rushed for Phi Mu, they are such a great group of girls and I love them all. I have met some of the greatest girls in phi mu and some life long bestfriends. I love all of you girls, you are the best, you help me through rough times, happy times, and everything else. Your the best <3.

After trying a relationship after... yeah, it didnt work out. I am not ready for a relationship yet, I still dont know who I am, where im headed in life, but i guess no one really knows all that about themselves do they. But I feel like I am not ready to take on another person and their feelings yet when I still dont know how to deal with my own. Spending christmas without a boyfriend wont be tough, Ive done it before. But I think when Im ready, the right person will come my way. God always has a plan...better than the one I try to make for myself. 

Thats another good topic to talk about, I really feel like im not as connected with God as I should be. I dont go to church anymore, because I have no church to go to. I should start going with Laura again. I do go to bible studies, but we havent had one lately and I missed the last one I did have for some Phi Mu dinner. I used to pray everynight, and now I only do when I really need his help. I need to pray everynight, thank him every morning for life, and praise him during the day for every thing he does in my life. You do such great things for me in my life, and help me through so many tough times, without you, id be no one. I feel alot of New Years Resolutions upon me. 

I think it may be a bit early to make resolutions, but I can lay a few out on the table. So here's the tentative list:
1. Get more in touch with God, by praying every night, praising him everyday, always remembering to be thankful for everything he has given me in my life.
2. Make sure the 2nd semester i start fresh and make sure I study much more than I do now, working as hard as i can in every subject.
3. Make time for myself every week, do something for me that I love. 
4. Be more open to new friends and new things. 
5. Take up yoga, have a relaxation time for myself once a week.

So thats my list so far. Hmmm. I like it.
I really want to sort of end this chapter of craziness in my life. I only have a little over a week left of classes, and its actually kind of nice because I only have 1 real final, and its not even cumulative. The others are online, so piece of cake. I dont have to cram and study for finals like crazy or anything. Wierd to not have to do that, but very nice. Working at Nuvo has been alot of fun. I am going to continue my internship there through christmas, working only on Fridays. I hope to possibly get a job there after school, although I do not want to stay in Indpls after school, maybe it can get me a start or give me a good reference for another job I find. I am still not sure what exactly I want to do in journalism, but im still sure thats what I want to do for my career. Its what makes me happy, what I enjoy doing. I love being in the Nuvo atmosphere. I cant wait to get a real job doing that type of work. My life is going pretty well nowadays, but I just need to organize a few things in my life and give myself an outline of what I need to do. I hope I get over this flu, I have felt sick for almost a week now! Def. need to get the flu shot next year. I hate being sick :( . I am also thinking about extensions again. They make me happy :) 
I think I am going to clean my room a little, I have about 50 kleenex's on my floor and some other junk that needs to be picked up! Goodnight all. XO- Lo

Why am  I so impatient?! I want things to happen NOW. I want to know where my life is leading, what im going to do, where im going to be, who i am going to be with... just so impatient for things to happen! Its best to let things fall into place and take time, but ahhh its so hard!!!!

 

hmmmmm...
*

*EDIT*

So i just had a realization, sort of. I need to let love come to me, I cant fight for it or try to make it happen. What is meant to be will find its way. I just need to stop being so damn inpatient for it. If i keep trying to push things, nothing will ever happen in the course that its suppose to take place. So pretty much, I need to stop being so damn pushy with everything and let it happen naturally. Sighhhhhh. Lets see how this goes....

So the weekend is ov er. Im back at my apartment again. It feels, okay. I still dont know if  I want to permantely move home or not for next semester. There is SO much on my mind right now, its overwhelming. My life is a mess again. I dont know what I want, or much of anything for that matter. No, not school this time, im clear on that, im good, just every other aspect of my life. The only thing that makes me think positive is that God doesn't want Matt and I to be together, or if we are meant to be together, it wil be down the road from now. If its meant to be, it will happen. Even though I dont like that, its obviously my life plan. So there has to be something better in store for me, or why else would I suffer now? I will be okay. I want this month to be over with, so much to do and finish and study for, I want the new semester, a fresh start. Im pretty sure I have all As in my classes this semester, which is good, but im just donee with these classes, I want new ones! Im going to Chicago in February with Jessica for her birthday, i cant WAIT. Especially in the wintertime, it will be beautiful out!! Im so excited. Chicago, I miss you!!! 
Today was kind of time for 'me' because I had nothing to do...but I fell asleep!! Although earlier I did get a new cell phone ( love it) and went to an ortho appt, and then went grocery shopping. I got alot accomplished today, errands anyway. More updates later on i guess.

 ive calmed down some. thank you to ..you know who you are...thank you for helpin me. 
i dont know why today was so hard for me. i just hope things eventually go back to how they are supposed to be, how we are meant to be. im here for you, through anything you go through, forgave you for the something so horrible. i hope you realize how much ive forgiven you for, and how much i do care for you and love you. 
but, unti you decide whats right for you, and once this whole thing is over.....


i cant wait a lifetime. 


love cant go away.

TODAYYYY is  AMAZING!!! I am LOVING the weather outside, and I got an A on my journalism midterm, tonight is POTTERY night with all my phi mu sisters, its going to be sooo much fun, and im about to make strawberry pies!!! haha. Today is a wonderful day :) 

I heart you more everyday :)

 I should be sleeping, but i have alot on my mind. Well not alot, just one thing in particular. Its really my fault. I wouldnt be thinking about it if I would just, ah. Why cant life be cut and dry simple? I feel so foolish sometimes.

Today.... has gone by kind of fast. And ive done sort of alot of thinking today.
Kind of just jumbled up/mixed feelings.
I probably shouldnt post those feelings until i get them figured out. I think I need to start my own Journal, in writing. I think it would help better, so I can write down things only I can see, not anyone who logs onto my livejournal blog. 
Im going to chicago in 2 days. I cant wait. I miss Chicago so much. I just want to get there and hug like every thing. Lay there and never get up. 

I need Chicago SO bad right now. Even though the last time I was there, I had a boyfriend. Im going to have those memories of being there with him in those spots. Sigh. I hope you find what your looking for. 

I need to get away. This weekend cant come soon enough.